


Under my skin.

by Nytella



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Intimacy, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Sexual Abuse, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26468875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nytella/pseuds/Nytella
Summary: Ash wants to have sex, Eiji doesn’t.The truth lingers in the middle.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 9
Kudos: 151





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I got a couple of things to say before we begin. First of all, I’m not an English native speaker, so please forgive any mistake! I would also be glad if you could help me with them!  
> Moreover this is my first fanfic too, so please be kind!

The first time they talked about it, the conversation turned out to be particularly awkward.

Sitting on the sofa, Ash had begun with absolute nonchalance "Eiji, let’s have sex" and this simple statement had frozen the blood in his lover's veins.

Over time their relationship had definitely changed, turning into something more intimate, romantic.There had been stolen kisses, light touches and words softly whispered in the ear.

Nevertheless, ever since the start, there had been a limit.They had never openly talked about it, but for them sex had been locked up in a little bubble that Eiji never thought would burst, or at least not so suddenly.They had never gone too far and that had seemed to be enough for both of them, really.

It was perhaps for this reason that Eiji found himself widening his eyes, surprised, instinctively replying with a dry "I don't want to"

He couldn't help but notice a hurt flash in Ash's gaze as he shrugged and

"Why not?"he said after peering at him for a few seconds.

Eiji jingled as he replied, uncertain

"I don't see the need." He paused. "We're fine like this, don't you think?" he smiled quietly.

Ash moved his lips, as if to speak, but seemed to change his mind abruptly, sealing them soon after.

With his eyes downcast, then, he just nodded weakly.

The matter had indeed been very short.

It happened again, a few weeks later.

Eiji had just come out of the shower, with soaked hair and a towel wrapped around his waist.

Ash's gaze burned on his body as if he was trying to dig inside.

While dressing, Eiji froze at a voice whispering firmly "Have sex with me, I mean it.”

"Why do you care so much about it now?"snapped Eiji, whose cheeks were now fiery red."What changed?"

Ash stared at him for a minute straight, nervously biting his lower lip with his teeth.

“You are still a virgin, aren't you?I thought it could be an experience that you wanted to do sooner or later "

Eiji looked at him dazed "Ash, if you're doing this for me, please stop” he said in the sweetest tone he could find.

"I do not understand."Ash merely replied in a light tone "It's something a boy your age should crave."

"Not me, for real" Eiji said, now calm."You don't have to worry about this nonsense."

Once again Ash just nodded.

It was exactly the first day of summer that led to an intense discussion.

Ash had rushed into their apartment in a rage, his hair untidy and his eyes cold as ice.

The shirt looked creased, and beads of sweat fell from his forehead.According to Eiji, he must have had a good run home. 

In panic, Eiji began to think about what could be the reasons of his boyfriend's deep mood.He couldn't think of any that wasn’t absolutely catastrophic, at least until Ash started harshly. “I talked to Shorter” he swallowed annoyed “he told me a really funny story.According to him, in Japan, you would have had an affair with the  love of your life " Ash clicked his tongue before resuming speaking "and with her you would have lost your virginity.It would seem that you were totally into sex back then."

Eiji held his breath until his eyes became shiny and his head started spinning from lack of oxygen.

That damn Shorter and his damn long mouth.

“That's not exactly true” Eiji replied shakily. “I actually had a very short affair with Chiharu-chan, but it was just a flirt! We did it just a couple of times!"

A flash of disappointment seemed to cross Ash's eyes

“Chiharu, huh?She really must have been a goddess to have convinced you to fuck her! " Ash moistened his lips “or am I the problem?Certainly my body must disgust you.In your mind, I'm nothing but a dirty prostitute after all" he laughed bitterly.

Eiji's eyes were now swollen with tears, hurt by those horrid words.How could Ash think that he, of all the people in the world, could even be touched by such terrible ideas?Eiji loved Ash, he had tried to prove it over and over again, offending some success.He loved his body, his entire soul, despite the latter having been torn apart several times into a thousand pieces by cruel and inhuman lees. He just loved him, completely.

“How can you say this ?!I could never be sickened by you.Never. That’s insane!"Eiji tried to get closer to touch his face, but Ash immediately pulled back as if he had been burned

“So why won't you touch me!If what you say is true, prove it. Now"

Ash threw himself on his lover, kissing him voraciously with desperation, in need.

Eiji found himself overwhelmed by that angry passion.Their teeth chattered furiously, like two animals, Ash's hands were all over his body, calloused and strong.It took some time for Eiji to free himself from that grip.He took two steps back, shocked.

“Love, you should calm down first.That's not how I want it "

Ash, destroyed by refusal, looked at him in disbelief for what seemed like an eternity before mumbling disappointed in a faint voice "I knew it, I fucking disgust you"

He covered his face, embarrassed, trying to hide a tear that had escaped from his control. Then, suddenly, he headed for the exit slamming the door behind him.

Eiji's heart skipped a beat.

Shortly after, he fell on the ground totally destroyed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is falling apart, until they solve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am! I’ve written everything in one shot, and I’m sure there are plenty of mistakes, but I’ll check them out later! Enjoy!

It had been an awful week for Eiji. Ash had left the house early in the morning, but he hadn't come back yet. This, however, was no longer a news, given that the situation had already been critical for a few days now.  
Eiji glanced at the clock, he bit his tongue. Three in the morning. He was freaking worried.  
He began to torture the skin near his nails with his sharp teeth, until he felt the unpleasant taste of blood in his mouth. Realizing that he had also stained the sheets, he got up frantically, taking advantage of that to go to the kitchen and drink a sip of water. He leaned on the counter, exhausted, running a hand through his hair. He gave a sigh. Eiji was tired of all this story, he was really fed up with everything.  
After their last argument, Ash had come back home the next morning reeking of alcohol. His uncontrolled staggering had made Eiji jump into bed, where he had waited patiently for him all night long. Ash, entering their room, hadn’t even look at him, slipping directly under the sheets and giving him the cold shoulders.  
Eiji had tried to reach out to stroke his hair, but Ash had mumbled "Don't do this" in a hoarse, scratchy voice. Eiji had frozen in place, turning away and swallowing the sobs that threatened to shake his chest.  
After that Eiji had tried to start a conversation several times, but in vain. Ash was clearly avoiding him. That night, however, Eiji had no intention of letting it go, he was going to get his boyfriend’s back against the wall. It was time to finally clear it all up.  
Determined, he got dressed as soon as possible and with shaking hands he hastened to call Shorter.  
The phone rang a couple of times before he could hear “Hello? Is that my lovely nihon jin? Is it you?"  
Eiji wrinkled his nose, according to Shorter’s voice tone he was completely gone. In the background he could listen to the most absolute mess.  
“Ash is there with you, isn't he? Tell me where you are, I'll pick you up” he said.  
"Ash told me to tell you he's not here," Shorter chuckled. Eiji clenched his fists "I'm serious, tell me where you are, please."  
After a short silence he got a reply "We are at the Bijin host club, we are having a great time"  
"Don't move from there, I'm coming"  
Eiji, getting in the car, finally had time to process what he had just heard. A host club. A fucking host club. Being surrounded by beautiful women, totally drunk, that was his lover’s new pastime.  
Well done, he thought, really well done, Ash.  
It took about fifteen minutes to arrive. Jumping out of the car, Eiji rushed inside the room. It didn't take long to find Ash. Absolutely beautiful and with a red face, he had two girls sitting on his lap. The first was simply stroking his thigh, the second one, instead, with an absolutely voluptuous attitude, was showing Ash her tight breasts in skimpy clothes.  
Eiji was having a conniption and found himself screaming "What the fuck are you doing?!"  
His words echoed throughout the room, distracting his boyfriend's attention from the two women. Ash looked at him in surprise with shining eyes, already completely drunk. Ash spoke with a stammer for a few seconds before whispering  
"What are you doing here?"  
"What do you think? I'm obviously here to have fun with all these wonderful ladies” Ei said ironically, giving him a harsh look.  
It was probably because of the alcohol, or because of the long-hidden grudge, but Ash didn't seem to have caught the irony in Eiji's voice at all. He narrowed his eyes and  
"I shouldn't be surprised" he laughed bitterly "after all, women are your passion." Eiji didn't even have time to retort that "Too bad they don't offer full service here, because that's what you came looking for, right?"  
"God Ash, when are you gonna stop with these loads of bullshits?!" the Japanese snapped "Let's go and discuss it at home, please."  
Ash just looked at him carelessly and then lasciviously caressed the thigh of the girl next to him. Eiji rolled his eyes, shocked. Ash then exclaimed victoriously: “Was your Chiharu-chan so beautiful too? I bet she was a great slut in bed! " Ash laughed, with dark eyes.  
"So, what did she do to please you, huh? I bet it’s nothing that I can’t do better” he said mockingly "you liked to put your pe-“  
“Ash, holy shit. Stop it now.”  
"What's up? Don't you want me to speak ill of her?!” Ash blurted out, shouting “Is she that important to you? Then go back to her, you are free. We’re done"  
Shorter, who seemed to have passed out until recently, recovered all of a sudden, giving his friend a stunned look.  
Eiji couldn't be more shocked or hurt. He hoped with all his heart that the one speaking was the alcohol running through his veins, ‘cause his boyfriend would have never talked to him like that. Never.  
He could see no more, his eyes brimming with tears. Eiji threw himself on his boyfriend, yanking him by the arm.  
“Come home with me. Now, Ash. "  
“I do not want to. I don't even want to see you, I can't stand the idea of your refusal anymore, you don't want me. This is clear."  
"Let's go home Ash, let's talk calmly about it"  
“I'm having fun here. Lisa seems more than happy with me, aren’t you sweetheart?"  
The blonde girl laughed coarsely  
"Sure, sweetie, I love being with you"  
Eiji had the impulse to pull her hair out. One by one.  
Ash approached to whisper something in her ear. Eiji could vaguely perceive the word "hotel". It was the last damn straw.  
“I can't believe you are doing this to me. If it's just for sex, okay, let's fuck." Eiji cried “I'll do what you want, but please stop being an asshole. I can not handle it anymore."  
Eiji, overcome with pain, headed for the door, wanting to leave.  
He was stopped by the tight grip of a mortified Ash just in time. His lover kept staring at the floor before whispering in a low voice "Don't go, forgive me."  
Eiji felt a shiver go down his spine. He contracted his muscles in tension, and in a voice trembling with tears "I'm destroyed Ash, you're tearing me apart." he said.  
Ash tightened his grip on his wrist and rested his head regretfully on his shoulder “I'll stop throwing a tantrum. I didn't mean anything of what I said, I swear. Forgive me."  
They finally returned home.  
The sex matter, however, was not resolved at all.

After some time, everything seemed to having returned to normal and Ash had not talk about sex anymore. However, his lover had also stopped touching him completely, except for a few sporadic kisses. Eiji initially didn't care about it, thinking that was just a phase, a childish whim. However, as the months went by, the situation only seemed to get worse. The confirmation had come on a cold October night. Curled up on the sofa watching a movie, Eiji noticed how a popcorn had crept under Ash's shirt. A little for fun, a little out of desire, He reach out his hand, brushing her boyfriend's hip. He then tried to take off his shirt and put his lips together in search of the missing popcorn. Ash's body stiffened completely and then he found his firm hand in his head. However, there was nothing sensual in that gesture. When Eiji looked up, he found the impenetrable eyes of his boyfriend.  
"That's enough," Ash said, inscrutable.  
Eiji staggered, surprised  
"I wasn't doing anything wrong" he paused "nothing we haven't done before, at least"  
"It's not something I want anymore"  
Ash breathed slowly, calmly, waiting for Eiji's response  
"Why?"  
"I don't feel like it, that's all"  
“Yes, but why. I thought we were okay with this much."  
“And we are! It's just that ... "he sighed" I don't feel the urge to do things like that with you, not anymore”  
Eiji stared at him in amazement, absolutely hurt.  
"And what does that exactly mean?" It took a little while to realize what the reality was "It's because I didn't want to have sex with you, right? Are you punishing me?"  
Ash seemed to waver for a moment, than he decided to remain silent.  
An eternity passed before Ash mentioned "You are not gay."  
Eiji felt hit by that information. What the hell was he talking about?  
"Ash. What are you even implying now? "Absolutely nothing, it's the simple reality of facts.” he said softly.  
Eiji took a moment to reflect  
"You're not gay either."  
Ash laughed hysterically. “True. But I'm not disgusted by you at all” he replied seriously.  
"You can't still believe at this bullshit."  
"It's not a problem. I accepted it, it is enough for me to have you by my side like this. It's more than enough. I don’t want to force you" he hissed surrendered.  
Eiji no longer knew what to answer.  
He simply moved on to actions. He reached down to brush a strand of unruly hair from Ash's face and kissed him. With passion, with affection, with love. Ash tried to pull away, abruptly, but then he abandoned himself completely in Eiji's arms.  
When they broke apart, Eiji finally confessed  
“It's not that I don't want to make love with you at all, Ash. You don't make me sick, for Jesus Christ’s sake. But you do hate men, Ash. You hated their hands, their kisses and-“ he stopped “you hated their body inside yours.” His throat was dry.  
Ash looked at him absolutely confused, stunned, intent on finding some sense in his words.  
"What does this have to do with-" he stopped, finally realizing the truth "That's why you don't want me. You're afraid that I would hate your body, that I would hate you ”he said stunned.  
Eiji was ashamed to hear what he thought said out loud. He didn't want Ash to find out, but it was necessary.  
He glance at his lover on whose face an indecipherable expression was painted.  
“I detested those men, I wanted them to die with my whole being. But you, Eiji, you are not fucking them. Sex has always been a nightmare for me, which is why I wanted to have it with you so badly! I wanted it to turn into love, pure and uncontaminated. I wanted your hands to replace theirs, your kisses to burn my skin in a different way. "  
Eiji bit his lip, repentant. He had never understood anything, never even suspected that these could really be his feelings.  
"I do not want to hurt you. I can not. Losing you would be devastating for me "  
“I'm not going to let you go, you are under my skin. You will never get out of it. "  
Eiji began to sob, loud. Ash wrapped his large arms around his body, holding him tightly.  
“It's okay, Eiji. Truth be told, I was so scared that if I hadn’t been able to give you everything, you would have looked for it elsewhere. "  
Eiji blushed. “I love you, Ash. You are everything I want. Whatever I want, I just want it with you. That’s all I ask."  
"This means that it would be fine by you even if our story does not have..."  
"Sex in it? Yes. I don't care, but that doesn't mean I don't want you in that sense "  
Ash sighed in relief, his eyes now shining “I thought I was making you sick. I thought about it so much that I despised myself more and more. I thought my being used and abused was the reasons behind your refusal. I felt so dirty. ”Ash was crying now, in pain.  
“When I heard about that girl my world collapsed. Because you wanted intimacy, but you didn't want it with me."  
Before he could continue Eiji cut him off, “Ash. ASH! She was nothing to me, I didn't even like her. It was embarrassing. I didn't like sex, ever. But for you, I felt something moving. I felt my chest bursting with desire. You are the only one for me, but I'm not ready yet. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want sex to ruin everything we have built if it turns out to be a disaster. "  
Ash looked at him, with wet eyes and wet nose. “I'm not ready either. When I first talked about it, I was simply scared you could leave me without that. But then you refused me so badly I got hurt. And that’s why I kept persisting.”  
Ash stopped “I want you Eiji, but I don't know if I'll be ready anytime soon. Don’t run, I beg of you"  
"It will not happen. You are under my skin too"  
They kissed for a long time, finally aware of their feelings.  
Maybe they would decide to have sex one day, maybe they never would.  
But what would never be lacking, however, was love. And that, Ash and Eiji, had plenty to sell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, I would have liked to continue this story and so I did. I personally love angst, I really do! I hope you liked it, maybe I’ll also write about their attempts to have a sex life one day! Let em know if you’d be interested. Moreover... what do you think of their relationship? Can they be defined asexual after all?  
> See you soon. Until then, stay safe!  
> Ps: let me know about grammar or syntax mistakes so that I can improve my English.  
> Lots of love!

**Author's Note:**

> So guys, what do you think about it? Let me know your impressions, how I could improve the storyline or simply the syntax!  
> I’d like to continue it, but I’m not sure  
> Thank for reading, see you soon!


End file.
